


all i've ever known (is how to hold my own)

by RedPaladin465



Series: ClaireK's Snowburied Week 2019 [7]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caitlin Snow & Iris West Friendship, Caitlin Snow Deserves Better, Cisco is #1 best friend, Episode: s03e09 The Present, Exes to Lovers, F/M, Inspired by Hadestown, Minor Barry Allen/Iris West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21637963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedPaladin465/pseuds/RedPaladin465
Summary: Caitlin and Barry began a relationship that ultimately ended some time after discovering the by-line in the Time Vault. It takes a frustrated Cisco, who is now stuck between his two best friends, Iris, who is excited about taking her next steps with Barry, and Savitar, who is desperate to form the circumstances of his own creation, to open their eyes to the things that are right in front of them.[Snowbarry Week 2019 Day 7 - Enemies to Friends to Lovers/Exes to Lovers]
Relationships: Barry Allen & Cisco Ramon, Barry Allen & Cisco Ramon & Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen & Iris West, Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen/Iris West, Caitlin Snow & Iris West, Cisco Ramon & Caitlin Snow
Series: ClaireK's Snowburied Week 2019 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553971
Comments: 6
Kudos: 73
Collections: Snowbarry Week 2019





	all i've ever known (is how to hold my own)

**Author's Note:**

> /cue screaming
> 
> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S THE LAST DAY OF SNOWBARRY WEEK!!!!!!
> 
> I can't believe I actually managed to write a piece for each day in the two weeks I had before SB week started. That's INSANE. It's been an insane period of writing and editing, not to mention that the pieces I wrote this week are my first ever for the Flash fandom. Thank you so much to those at the Snowbarry Discord Server, who have been nothing but kind and amazing and encouraging. Thanks to everyone who contributed to SB week! It's been a pleasure to read everyone's stuff (even though I need to catch up), and to see the moodboards and mixes that have been done for this week. I am humbled to be fandom-ing alongside y'all :)
> 
> This piece really, really, really stumped me, but I hope the end product holds up and is good enough to be the thrilling conclusion to SB Week this year. Also, I may or may not have had Hadestown stuck in my head the past week and a half, so this piece was heavily influenced by All I've Ever Known. Seriously, this show is so well done; go check it out.
> 
> Once again, thank you to everyone for your amazing support!!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the Flash/DCTV or Hadestown

_I was alone for so long, I didn’t even know that I was lonely  
Out in the cold so long, I didn’t even know that I was cold  
Turned my collar to the wind; that’s how it’s always been_

_All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own  
All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own  
But now I want to hold you too_

_You take me in your arms, and suddenly there’s sunlight all around me  
Everything bright and warm and shining like it never did before  
And just for a moment I forget just how dark and cold it gets_

_All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own  
All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own  
But now I want to hold you too_

_Now I want to hold you, hold you close; I don’t want to ever have to let you go  
Now I want to hold you, hold you tight; I don’t want to go back to the lonely life_

* * *

Cisco chewed on his pen as he studied the screen in front of him, trying to work past the algorithms that were _just not_ coming up with the answers he wanted. He had always been a personable kind of guy, warm and inviting and emotional, but he really did love hard math- as he should, as an engineer. One of his favorite pastimes and hobbies and favorite things about his job was that he could make the theoretical into a reality; he liked facts, he liked reasons, he liked putting things together in his hands. He _did not_ like it when things didn’t add up.

Speaking of things not adding up- he lifted his eyes from the calculations he’d been working on for the better part of the day to the med bay just several feet away, where Barry sat flinching underneath Caitlin’s care. Her skilled fingers deftly cleaned and bandaged each wound before his regenerative abilities kicked in; upon finishing her work, she snapped the latex gloves off her hands and turned her heel, immediately making her way back to the console and pulling up the screens she had been working off of before Barry ran back into the Cortex following a fight with a nasty meta who could create projectile acid that burned right though his suit.

From the corner of his eye, Cisco watched as Barry ruffled his hair in frustration, then composed himself to walk out of the Cortex without a word to either himself of Caitlin. The moment he left the room, the engineer could _swear_ that the temperature must have gone up at least ten degrees.

“Caitlin,” Cisco started, swiveling around in his chair to face her. “For real?”

Her eyes snapped up from the screen to give him a piercing look. “What?” she asked coolly.

They could be _so_ frustrating, Barry and Caitlin. Cisco loved them so much, but he tamped down the urge to throw his pen down onto the console. “The guy came in with half his suit basically melting off, can’t you cut him a little slack?”

“Slack?” White began to stream down Caitlin’s brown curls, her eyes flickering back and forth from brown to blue and back again, and frost started to seep from her hands. Cisco immediately pushed himself away from the console, holding out his hands in a vibe-blast stance in case Killer Frost overpowered Caitlin, but then relaxed when he saw her eyes turn back to her usual brown. She reined in her self-control before speaking to him again. “What do you mean _cut him a little slack_? He nearly got himself killed, even after we told him what that meta was capable of, and he ignored our warnings. He’s fine. I patched him up, now he can go to Iris, and she can put him back together.”

“Caitlin-”

“Don’t ‘Caitlin’ me! It’s _his_ fault he didn’t stay far enough away and look for a good window of opportunity to neutralize that meta.”

He leveled a disapproving stare at her. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

Caitlin opened her mouth to fire back a scathing retort, but they both knew she had nothing in her arsenal to throw back at him this time. There wasn’t any use pretending that she didn’t know what he was trying to say. Instead, she rolled her eyes. “What do you want me to do, Cisco? Give him a kiss when he flashes in here, hurt within an inch of his life, and make it all better? Stitch him up, then bring him home and wrap him up in blankets and bubble wrap and say, ‘I love you; it’s going to be okay’ after every mission?”

Cisco was not impressed. He leaned against the side of the console, praying, hoping that he could talk some sense into her. “Caitlin, after Ronnie died, I didn’t see a single smile on your face until Barry came around. That’s a little over nine months of waiting to see you smile. Ronnie came back to life, then you shot him down when he asked you to marry him, and shot him down again when the guy tried to convince you to move away from Central City to be with him. Conclusive evidence?”

“That so much had happened and we both changed so much, so I didn’t think Ronnie and I should get married anymore?” Caitlin tried to play it off, but it was obvious that she wasn’t fooling either of them.

“Oh my Speed Force, give me strength,” Cisco muttered under his breath while squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose. They were scientists. They knew how to math. They should love logic. _It should not be this hard_. He braced himself before opening his eyes.

“It’s _Barry_ , okay, _Barry_!” he exclaimed. “He’s made you smile and happy and _you rejected Ronnie for him_ , so maybe, you know, just _talk_ to him about it, because I can’t stand you two moping and then making the rest of us- namely me- sit in between the both of you.”

The Cortex was so quiet that they could hear a pin drop. No pin, fortunately, but HR chose that moment to announce his presence by dropping one of his drumsticks in the hallway, clattering so loudly it made Caitlin nearly jump out of her skin. He ducked his head around the corner of the Cortex doorway, a sheepish expression on his face.

Caitlin glared at him. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Oh, long enough,” HR replied, fully stepping into the Cortex with his cover blown.

She turned back to Cisco, and he could practically see her wall rebuilding itself within the confines of her dark eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely. “That you’re caught in the middle, Cisco. You’re our best friend. Nothing can change that, and if you think one silly little breakup can affect that, you’re wrong.”

“Caitlin…”

“Cisco.” She rolled her chair closer to him and put a hand on his arm. “You were there. You saw the article in the Time Vault. You know that no matter what we had between us, Barry and Iris belong together. Barry’s always loved Iris, he’s loved her his whole life.”

“But he loves you too!” Cisco protested, his eyes starting to turn glassy. There was a sad smile on Caitlin’s face at his outburst.

“Yeah, but…do I really want half of his heart, knowing full well where his heart wants to be and who it wants to be with? And he’s been spending so much more time with Iris after Eddie- he’s finally got a chance to really take care of her, to put her back together and to be with her. I can’t take that away from him.”

“Caitlin, you should have seen him.” Cisco swallowed past the lump in his throat, not giving up. “After you guys broke up, after Grodd kidnapped you, after Zoom kidnapped you- he was desperate to get you back.”

At this, Caitlin sighed, standing up and stretching. “Weren’t you all?”

When Cisco had no immediate response, she sighed again. “Haven’t you seen them lately? Barry and Iris are happy. He makes her as happy as she makes him. They finally have the chance to be together. I just want him to be happy.”

He tried really, really hard to not let his tears of frustration and hurt and sadness spill over, but he had to reach up to wipe them away. Caitlin stepped up to give him a tight hug, one he fully returned. “I know we’ve been distant for a while, and I’m sorry that it’s affected you so much. You know that I’ll be okay, really. I can take care of myself,” she murmured, trying to put as much confidence as she could into those words. “I just want him to be happy.”

HR watched them from the doorway, his piercing blue eyes giving nothing away.

* * *

After everything- after Ronnie, after all the kidnappings, after Zoom, after Killer Frost- Caitlin deserved better. That was the thought that bolstered him as he stopped in front of a familiar door, knocking on it with as much confidence as he could muster. Within a second, the door opened, Barry’s smiling face greeting him.

“Cisco! Come on in,” he said, ushering him inside the loft. Sunlight streamed in from the tall windows on the far wall, Barry hopping back into the kitchen. “Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea? Water?”

“Uh…” Cisco slowly sat down on the couch. “Just water, thanks.”

His friend flashed over with a warm mug in his hands, offering it to him. “Thanks.”

“Is everything okay?” Barry asked, sitting down next to him and giving him a careful once-over. “Not that I’m not happy to have you over anytime, but, you know, you usually call before coming.”

Right. Straight to the point, then. Cisco carefully took a sip, then put the mug down on the coffee table in front of him. “We need to talk.”

Those words never bode well. Last time someone said that to him, it resulted in a breakup, and Barry was not keen on reliving that moment any more than he had to; once every night was enough. He opened his mouth to respond, but Cisco beat him to the punch.

“It’s about Caitlin.”

Different emotions warred within Barry- confusion and worry, mostly. “What about Caitlin?”

Cisco sighed, clasping his hands together. “Look, man,” he said, meeting Barry’s wide green eyes. “Are you and Iris together or not?”

That was…not the question Barry had expected. At all.

“Well, we’ve been talking, and we’ve definitely talked about it, and-”

“Barry,” he said, cutting him off.

There were a few seconds of silence, and then Barry hung his head. “No, we’re not.”

 _FINALLY_. They were getting somewhere. “Why not?” Cisco pressed.

The speedster shrugged. “We’re just taking our time. We’ve both been busy, and we’ve all been through so much.”

“And?”

Barry gave him a scrutinizing look, trying to understand where Cisco was going with this. “Is this about Caitlin and my relationship? I know we broke up a while ago, but we’re still friends. Are you worried about her?

“Barry!” Cisco snapped, patience wearing thin. “What you and Caitlin are _are not_ friends. You guys will barely look at each other, and when you’re in the same room together, it’s like you can’t stand to be together!”

“I’m trying, Cisco!” Barry fired back. “She doesn’t even want to talk to me! What am I supposed to do?”

“Right, you’re trying,” Cisco said, crossing his arms. “Can’t you just start talking when she’s patching you up or something, get her to listen, and just be honest with her about how you feel?”

Barry stood up then, running a hand through his hair as he paced in front of the couch.

“Barry,” Cisco continued impatiently. “You’re both my best friends and I’m tired of being stuck in the middle of your cold war.”

That was when he stopped pacing, his walls of frustration crumbling at his friend’s admittance. His eyebrows furrowed and his shoulders slumped when he turned to face him.

“I’m really sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like you have to choose between us,” Barry apologized, sitting back down on the couch. Cisco closed his eyes and took a deep, fortifying breath.

“Look, man, I know, all right? I know you’ve been in love with Iris your whole life and I know that what we saw in the Time Vault really rattled you, but we also know that the future isn’t set in stone. You and Caitlin were fine before the article, and were okay for a while there afterward post-breakup, but with everything happening between you and Iris-” he stopped, then tried again. “We’re happy for you, we are. Caitlin especially, but we both know that when she gets cold, she’s hurt or angry, and that’s what I’m concerned about.”

Barry looked down at his hands. “Yeah, I know,” he murmured. “I’m worried about her too.”

Cisco scooted closer, putting an arm around his friend. “Barry,” he said gently. “I’m going to ask you a question, okay? Could you just- please be honest with me?”

Barry’s green eyes looked a little sad, a little lost, but met his nonetheless. Cisco cleared his throat. “I know that you and Iris have been talking for a while now, but it’s been a year and a half of you guys…talking. Have you ever thought that maybe you two aren’t together yet because something is holding you back? Like maybe you’re not ready to be together because you still have feelings for Caitlin?”

There was a small, rueful smile on Barry’s face then. “Cisco,” he replied quietly. “I’ll always have feelings for Caitlin.”

“Then _why_ haven’t you told her?” Cisco couldn’t believe his ears.

“After Eddie- Iris really needed someone,” Barry explained after a moment. “We’ve always been best friends, always told each other everything. We were each other’s biggest support, we’ve always been. But I’ve always thought- I’ve always been in love with her. When she and Eddie were together, I really wanted her to be happy, I did, and I did love Caitlin when we were together then- you know I did,” he insisted. “But then we found the article in the Time Vault, and I couldn’t help but think…is this worth giving it a try? And, well, you know the rest. Caitlin broke up with me after that.”

“Bro!” Cisco couldn’t resist shouting. “She did that because she knows you still love Iris! And the evidence was staring her right in the face!”

Bringing his hands up, Barry rubbed his face tiredly. “I know,” he said. “I know she did. Iris and I have just started spending so much more time together and exploring the possibility of being- of being together, and I just feel like after all these years, after that article in the Time Vault, maybe we _should_ give it a try.”

“A try,” Cisco tried to keep from scoffing, but from the way Barry flinched underneath his arm, he knew it had gotten through anyway. “What about Caitlin?”

Barry had no idea how ironic the situation had become when he looked Cisco square in the eye and said, “I just want her to be happy.”

* * *

“Happy” was not the word any of them would describe their situation, situations at hand. Between Caitlin still wrangling Killer Frost and Barry worrying about Alchemy and Savitar, the team barely had time to catch their breaths to deal with anything else that wasn’t life-threatening. When Julian was captured in the Pipeline and the Brahmastra was in their hands, nobody, nobody had a worse time going through it than Cisco.

That was what Barry thought anyway when he and Jay suited up in the Pipeline, ready to get rid of the stone once and for all inside the Speed Force. First the Particle Accelerator explosion, then having to deal with him and Caitlin, then Dante, then…really, everything else, and now, this.

“I’ll let you know when you reach optimal speed,” Cisco said, in full work mode as he looked down at the tablet in his hands. “Ready. Go!”

The Pipeline door opened, and both Flashes disappeared in twin streaks of lightning, racing at a speed fast enough to create a wormhole. Barry trailed behind Jay, just like they had talked about, and used his tailwind to gain even more speed before Jay threw the box at him and he took off, racing round and round and round until he heard Cisco’s voice in the comms.

“Now, Barry!”

Barry let go of the box as he approached the Speed Force wormhole, throwing it as hard as he could. It was working, Jay’s plan was working- and then before he could say “good riddance”, the wormhole exploded, and he was instantly knocked off his feet into a dark street he knew-

Infantino Street.

The evening news playing from the nearby bus station caught his attention; he wandered over to check it out, a news report about a criminal he had apparently captured, which he knew _for sure_ he hadn’t- oh God, had he accidentally created another alternate timeline again? Had he traveled to a different earth, somewhere he shouldn’t have been again, screwed things up like he did with Flashpoint? Caitlin was going to _kill_ him, _Iris_ was going to kill him, and-

“ _DON’T_!”

Barry instantly turned, recognizing and registering the odd feeling of hearing his own voice pierce the cold night air. He took a few steps to the park nearby, stopping in the shadow of the closest tree as he saw himself walk forward, panic in his voice. “Please, don’t! Don’t do this!”

There was a deep dread that rose from the bottom of his stomach up to his heart, and then Barry felt his airway close off when he followed his other self’s gaze. In front of them was the self-proclaimed speed god, the one he thought he had gotten rid of for good the second he threw the stone into the Speed Force…but what terrified him the most wasn’t that Savitar was back in Central City, no, it was what he had in his hands that made his heart stop.

“Now, finally, I am free of you,” Savitar growled, his voice reverberating in his bones. He raised his right hand, sheathed in a metal gauntlet, but the only thing Barry, both Barrys, could see was a trembling, crying Iris caught in his grip.

“Barry,” she gasped, her fear evident in her eyes. “I love you.”

Barry had to ball his hands into fists to keep from running out from under the tree, exposing his own existence in a world or timeline he didn’t understand.

“No, don’t say that, all right?!” Other Barry’s eyes were shining with tears as he made his way forward toward them, desperation in every step as he tried his best to reassure Iris. “You’re going to be all right.” He looked up at Savitar, pleading. “I’m begging you, just-”

None of them noticed the breach that opened behind them, two very familiar figures jumping out and immediately running to them. Savitar raised his right hand higher, a wicked blade protruding from his gauntlet.

“Barry!” Iris cried.

“You lose, Barry.”

“ _NO_!”

Barry took off in a burst of red lightning, but he was too late. Savitar pulled his arm back, and then all of a sudden, Iris was knocked onto the cement walkway beneath them, and then it was Caitlin who was caught in Savitar’s grip with his blade sliced clean through her chest.

The world stilled for that moment, this-timeline-Barry skidding to a stop as wormhole-Barry nearly collapsed against the tree he was next to in disbelief at the scene in front of them. Iris looked back, her glassy eyes wide in surprise and horror. For a breath, no one, nothing around them moved, and then with a sickening sound, Savitar pulled his blade out of her, still holding onto Caitlin’s shoulder.

“Interesting…” he said, almost thoughtfully. Both Barrys stared at him, hardly daring to breathe, looking at the dark, glistening blood coating the blade now hanging at his side- Caitlin’s blood. Timeline-Barry shook himself out of his daze as Savitar took a step back and then disappeared in a crackle of blue lightning, letting Caitlin go and letting her fall. In the next nanosecond, Barry was right there, catching her just before she hit the ground.

“CAITLIN!” Cisco yelled just a few feet away at the spot he had stopped the moment Savitar had run Caitlin through. He ran over just as Iris scrambled onto her knees to where Barry held Caitlin, his frantic cries resounding in the empty park.

“Hey, hey, Cait! Cait?!”

The figure in his arms made no sound in response, but from his vantage point, Barry could see Caitlin’s tears leaking down her face, her mouth opening and closing, as if she was trying to tell him something.

“Caitlin,” Barry pleaded, his voice hoarse. “Cait- Cait, no, please- please!”

Cisco’s hands were balled into fists, pressed tightly against his mouth as Iris’ covered her lips, muffling the sound of her shocked sobs. Slowly, Caitlin lifted her hand to Barry’s cheek, managing to keep it there for only a few short seconds until she weakly let it drop to his hand. She looked around her, looked at the broken faces of her friends and then settled on Iris, struggling to reach for her hand. Iris couldn’t stop her loud sobs when she took Caitlin’s outstretched hand, the brunette pulling it over and putting it on top of Barry’s.

There was a small smile on Caitlin’s face then, her hand on top of theirs, her wide, terrified eyes begging Barry to understand, before her eyes closed and her hand fell lifelessly onto the concrete below.

“ _NO_! Caitlin!”

Barry, wormhole-Barry, hadn’t noticed he was crying, hadn’t noticed he wasn’t even _breathing_ until a hand was on his shoulder and he felt the familiar yank of superspeed into a wormhole and he was back in the familiar surroundings of S.T.A.R. Labs. He immediately whipped his cowl off, gulping in air as his mind replayed the scene he had just witnessed over and over and over again.

“Jay,” he said, his voice getting more and more hysterical with every word. “What the hell was that, where was I?”

His mentor’s expression was filled with so much sadness that it almost brought Barry to his knees, his next two words bringing his entire world crashing down.

“The future.”

* * *

He came clean with the team. He had to, and he looked at the ground the entire time, unsure of whether it was because he couldn’t bear to see the expressions on their faces or if it was because he didn’t want them to see the tears blatantly shining in his eyes. His stance was justified though, when he heard Iris’ horrified gasp and the click of her heels as she immediately rushed over to Caitlin, the two women holding onto each other for support. Everything happening around him, everyone’s horror at the knowledge of what was to come- that was a weight he didn’t want to bear, not just yet, not when the shock and the fear was still so raw, each second of the scene he saw playing over and over again in his head.

Barry couldn’t even bring himself to acknowledge the others as they left, only nodding slightly in their direction when they walked away, even Caitlin, who could see he needed space. Cisco clasped his shoulder knowingly before he went home, and HR, completely uncharacteristically and very awkwardly, did the same thing. When he thought he had been left alone, silent for far too long, someone clearing their throat startled him into looking up.

“Iris,” he almost exclaimed, voice hoarse.

“Hey there,” she replied softly, walking forward until she was in front of him. “I thought you might…need to talk.”

It took everything in him to tamp down the urge to roll his eyes. “I’ve already told everyone what I saw.”

Iris was quiet for another moment, but then she approached him again, gently taking his hand. Her eyes were kind and understanding, her voice soft when she addressed him. “Barry,” she started, a small smile on her lips. “You know you can’t lie to me. I just want to be there for you.”

Aside from being his sort-of girlfriend, Iris was first and foremost his best friend. He knew this; that was one of the things about her that never changed. Knowing that and acknowledging it was the catalyst he didn’t know he needed to let the rest of his words out.

“Caitlin died,” Barry said. “She died, and she- Iris, her last moments, I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Savitar just ran her through like she was nothing, he wasn’t even _shocked_ that he had killed her instead of you. I can’t stop thinking about how her blood was everywhere, how…even in her last moments…” his voice broke, and he brought his still-gloved hand to his mouth, pressing down tightly until he could get his emotions under control. “She knew what she was doing when she pushed you away. In her last moments, she wanted us to be happy, and she…sacrificed herself to give us that.”

Tears stung his eyes, and he found himself surprised that he could still cry after trying so hard to push them down.

“And how do you feel?” Iris asked gently.

“I wasn’t fast enough to save her.” His answer was immediate. “I watched her die right in front of me, and I couldn’t save her. She sacrificed everything…for me. For us, and I couldn’t save her.”

She laced her fingers with his. “The future isn’t written in stone.”

His mind flicked back to the article at the Time Vault. “Some things are,” he said after a beat.

Iris let out a soft laugh after that, putting a hand on his cheek and guiding him to meet her eyes. “Barry,” she murmured. “Some things aren’t. Like Ed-” she paused here, taking a breath. “Like Eddie sacrificing himself to erase Eobard from existence to save us. We thought Eobard existing was a fact, and then it wasn’t, changed right in front of us. But…”

She took their intertwined hands and put them over his heart. “Some things you can change. We’ve changed. But Barry, I don’t think you realize that your feelings haven’t changed.”

“Iris, I’ve always loved you,” Barry told her, needing to reassure her. The smile on her face fell a little, the light in her eyes dimming a little.

“I know,” Iris said, understanding in every syllable. “But maybe that love isn’t one of those things that are set in stone, no matter what the Time Vault says. We both know that things change, all the time. We change one thing, and the effects ripple up and down the timeline.”

He fell quiet, starting to understand where she was going with her train of thought.

“Barry…” she gave him one more lovely smile. “I was so excited to take these new next steps together with you, but I can’t- you can’t- because I don’t know if you don’t see it, but you…still love Caitlin.”

She said it in a sentence, but wasn’t that million-dollar question? Cisco had hit the nail right on the head when he appeared at Barry’s flat earlier that week to confront him about it, but now reality was staring him in the face.

Fact: he and Caitlin didn’t break up because they stopped loving each other or because of irreconcilable differences.

Fact: he and Caitlin just wanted the other person to be happy.

Fact: he and Caitlin were so bad at handling the situation and the ensuing awkwardness that they ended up pushing each other away, and leaving Cisco in the middle of their cold war.

Fact: he just watched Caitlin die in his arms.

Fact: he could not and would not allow that future to become their new reality.

Fact: he didn’t want to waste another minute, knowing that there’s a possibility she’d be taken from his side, never to return- he needed to see her, to talk to her, to be with her and tell her that he had never stopped loving her, because he really, truly hadn’t.

“Iris…” Her name was like a prayer. Iris squeezed Barry’s hand, then planted a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Go,” Iris told him simply, and he pulled her into a hug, kissed her forehead, and disappeared in flashes of red lightning and fluttering papers as he sped out of the Cortex.

Barry ran and ran and ran. Caitlin, in her last moments, wanted Barry to be happy, to be happy with Iris, and she had been willing to throw her life on the line to ensure that he would be. _No_ , he thought vehemently. Caitlin had always put everyone first before herself, had always been there for everyone and helped with anything she could- but when it came down to it, who was there to help _her_? This brilliant, resilient woman had been through her fair share of issues; she deserved so much more than she had gotten. She deserved more than the people she loved leaving her, deserved more than to struggle with powers beyond her control; she deserved better, better, better, and Barry was in no way perfect, but he would try his damnedest to give her everything he had to offer, because she had given everything to him, had given everything up for him first. It just took him a little while longer to see it.

He kept running until he reached Caitlin’s apartment, and knocked on the door repeatedly until it opened to reveal her surprised face.

“Barry?” she asked, confused. Barry didn’t have a plan, hadn’t had time to think of what to say, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“I love you.”

Caitlin almost jerked back in surprise, but Barry knew he had to fix the situation, had to make it up to her, make her understand.

“Can I come in?”

Wordlessly, she stepped back to open the door wider to let him in. And that was the thing, wasn’t it? She always let him in, even if she wanted to keep the whole world out; she was warm, a kind of warmth that made him feel completely at peace in her presence, she was patient as he took her hand and told her exactly what he had seen in her last moments, and she was honest when it came time to come clean about her feelings once and for all.

“I still love you,” Caitlin whispered without hesitation.

“I love you,” Barry said over and over again that night. “I love you.”

When she asked, and only when she asked, Barry pulled her from the couch and into her bedroom to show her just how much.

* * *

_Say that you'll hold me forever  
Say that the wind won’t change on us  
Say that we’ll stay with each other  
And it’ll always be like this_

_I'm gonna hold you forever  
The wind will never change on us  
As long as we stay with each other  
Then it will always be like this_


End file.
